


Red and Blue for You

by sburbanite



Series: Afterlives of the Rich and Famous [3]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Cybersex, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, Threesome - M/M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-29 19:38:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5140076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sburbanite/pseuds/sburbanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe Dirk should listen to lil' Hal for once...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Captor the flag

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] 

TA: hey a22hole. 

TA: how’2 the dance of 2eductiion going. 

TT: There’s no seduction, Captor. Just some quality bro time and a rad as fuck expedition through the dreambubbles. 

TA: 2ure, keep telling your2elf that. 

TA: Doe2 bro tiime u2ually iinvolve one bro tenderly 2melliing the other bro'2 haiir at niight? 

TT: You may have a point there, but I’ve been perfectly restrained towards English. 

TT: At least while he’s been awake. 

TT: It’s nice to know Hal is keeping you up to date on the aspects of my afterlife that are none of your fucking business. 

TA: ii’ve got two have my 2toriies, 2triider. 

TA: 2iince your ho-bag of a dancestor 2tarted boniing my be2t friiend ii’ve ended up doiing more a22clown-2iittiing than ii 2iigned up for. 

TT: He’s not my dancestor, whatever the fuck that is. 

TT: He’s my brother 

TT: Sort of 

TA: whatever. 

TT: Are you on Gamzee duty right now? 

TA: 2adly, ye2. 

TA: the iidiiot iis currently dii2tracted wiith 2omethiing 2hiiny 2o ii’m gold for a few hour2. 

TA: but ii’m bored a2 fuck and everyone el2e worth talking two i2 bu2y wiith each other’2 geniital2. 

TT: How do you know I’m not fending off amorous genitals as we speak? 

TA: plea2e, 2triider. 

TA: you’re the only one le22 liikely two be iinvolved iin 2exual e2capade2 than ii am. 

TA: plu2 your liittle viirtual bro keep2 me up two date. he give2 me what he call2 the “riifftrax” ediitiion. 

TT: Fan-fucking-tastic. 

TT: I finally meet some people who haven’t been subjected to the slow-motion car-crash of my social interactions thus far, and my personal commentary track is there to narrate all of my current failures. 

TT: Is it too much to ask to strike out in peace? 

TT: Yes. 

TA: ye2. 

TA: anyway ii thought you weren’t playiing? iit 2hould be diifiicult for a non-partiiciipant two 2triike out. 

TT: Ugh. Fine. 

TT: To awkwardly shift metaphors, I admit to having a horse in the race. 

TT: English, however, is apparently not even paying attention to the track. 

TT: I know it was fucked up of me to manipulate the kid into a relationship. I don’t want to do that again, it makes me feel sick thinking about it. 

TT: But it would be nice to know if there's a reason to persist with this. 

TT: If he ever felt anything for me other than obligation to his desperate loser of a best friend. 

TT: Dirk, eventually you have to take Seabiscuit out behind the woodshed and administer a dose of cold, hard, kindness. 

TT: Jake has some firearms you can borrow. 

TA: maybe you ju2t need two chiill the fuck out about all thii2 romance bull2hiit. 

TA: ii get that he'2 your wiigglerhood flu2hcru2h but you do have more than three friiend2 two hiit on now. 

TT: You’re both being incredibly helpful. I hope you know how helpful you’re being. 

TT: Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I think I’m going to abscond before I’m crushed to a fine powder under the unending avalanche of help. 

TA: fiine. 

TA: when you’re done wiith your dead end advances ju2t remember there are other people iin the2e bubble2 two hang out wiith. 

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] 

\-------------------------------- 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TT: Hey. 

TT: Are you busy? 

CG: NOT ESPECIALLY. 

CG: I TAKE IT THINGS ARE TAKING A SPECTACULAR NOSEDIVE IN THE GUN-TOTING MORON DEPARTMENT? 

TT: You could say that. 

TT: Less of a nosedive, more of a steady cruising altitude at brothousand feet. 

CG: DID YOU TAKE MY ADVICE? 

CG: NAMELY TO STOP BEING SUCH A DESPERATE CONTROL FREAK AND FUCKING RELAX? 

CG: “I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS SOMETIMES” IS NOT AN ATTRACTIVE ATTITUDE, STRIDER. 

TT: Look, I know you claim to be some kind of relationship savant on account of having voraciously ingested any and all romantic bullshit you could get your grubby claws on, but didn’t it take you three years and your own death to figure out Strider Jr. was into you? 

TT: Excuse me if I’m skeptical of advice from a guy who friend-zoned his future boyfriend so hard he fucking died. 

CG: WOW. 

CG: GUESS WHO WON’T BE GETTING ANY MORE ADVICE BECAUSE HE’S SUCH A RAGING DOUCHE? 

TT: Sorry. 

TT: That was out of line. None of this is your fault. 

CG: NO SHIT. 

TT: I just don’t see how being chilled about the whole thing was helpful at all for Dave. 

CG: THAT WAS A SPECIAL CASE, ASSMUNCH. 

CG: DAVE HAS ISSUES HE WOULD FLAY ME ALIVE FOR TALKING TO YOU ABOUT, SO DROP IT. 

CG: ANYWAY, ARE YOU DETERMINED TO ALIENATE ALL OF THE ACTUAL ALIENS YOU KNOW? 

CG: SOLLUX SAYS YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING HIM. 

CG: I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE JOINED AT THE CO-AXIAL SOCKET OR WHATEVER. 

TT: That is both adorably obsolete and way more suggestive than you probably intended. 

CG: STOP DODGING THE QUESTION, ASSHOLE. 

CG: YOU STRIDERS ARE ALL THE FUCKING SAME. 

TT: I’m not avoiding him. 

TT: I just want some time alone with Jake to find out if there’s actually anything between us, or if he just really, really likes wrestling. 

CG: AND? 

CG: HOW’S THAT BEEN GOING? I ASSUME THIS IS WHY YOU CONTACTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. 

TT: Inconclusive. 

TT: He’s a lot more comfortable around me now that he knows there are no schemes afoot. 

TT: And there has been significantly more physical contact. 

TT: But I’m starting to think only one of us is getting worked up over it. 

CG: HMM. 

CG: PHYISCAL CONTACT IS A POSITIVE SIGN. 

CG: I’M NOT GETTING THE IMPRESSION HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU ROUGHLY BY THE CAMPFIRE, THOUGH. 

CG: MAYBE YOU COULD TRY, I DON'T KNOW, TALKING TO THE OBJECT OF YOUR FLUSHED FEELINGS ABOUT ALL OF THIS? 

CG: CALL ME A DISGUSTING SEXUAL DEVIANT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING MORE ROMANTIC THAN ACTUALLY LETTING THE OTHER PERSON KNOW YOU'RE "IN LOVE" WITH THEM, WITHOUT TYING THEM UP IN WEBS OF COERCION SO THAT THEY BASICALLY HAVE NO OPTION BUT TO LEAP INTO YOUR ARMS. 

TT: Vantas, this is not one of your shitty novels. 

TT: I don’t want to hear you talking about being “taken roughly” or “passionately embraced” or any shit about “throbbing members.” 

TT: If we have to have cringeworthy relationship chat then at least use the word “sex” or deploy your faithful friend “fuck” in its correct context. 

CG: CRINGEWORTHY RELATIONSHIP CHAT THAT YOU INITIATED, NAY, REQUESTED? 

TT: Yes. 

CG: FINE. 

CG: IN THAT CASE, CONTACT ME IF THERE ARE ANY SIGNS THAT ENGLISH WANTS TO FUCK YOU ROUGHLY BY THE CAMPFIRE. 

CG: IF THERE AREN'T ANY, AND YOU REFUSE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO HIM, MAKE A MOVE LIKE A GODDAMNED ADULT. 

CG: AT LEAST THEN YOU'LL FUCKING KNOW AND YOU CAN STOP BOTHERING ME WITH IT. 

TT: Better. 

TT: Still not great. 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

\-------------------------------- 

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] 

TA: damn, dude. 

TA: that had two hurt. 

TA: he’2 2uch an iidiiot. 

TT: Quiet, Captor. 

TT: It’s none of your fucking business, nor is it any of AR’s fucking business. 

TT: That’s cold, bro. 

TT: I’ve got your best interests at heart, you know. 

TT: You don’t have a heart. 

TT: You wouldn’t know the first thing about what to do with one. 

TT: Look, you went for the old “lean and kiss”, and he turned it into a trademark English “hug and wrestle.” 

TT: Are you ready to call time of death on this thing yet? 

TT: Fuck you. 

TA: 2eriiou2ly 2triider, you don’t have to take that 2hiit. 

TA: plenty more fii2h iin the afterliife 

TT: Or bees in the hive, so to speak. 

TT: Fuck both of you. 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] 

\-------------------------------- 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

TT: Far be it from me, a “heartless” machine who is also a perfect copy of your own psyche, to suggest you are wasting your fucking time. 

TT: But you are wasting your fucking time. 

TT: Jake is having a jolly good romp wrestling and raiding tombs and collecting dream-skulls, but if you’re waiting for him to make a move on you, you’re going to end up just as skeletal. 

TT: Unnecessary reminders of the fact that I’m already dead, the afterlife is infinite, I don’t need any help from you, etc. 

TT: Anything else? 

TT: Yes, as a matter of fact. 

TT: Are you completely dense, or have you failed to notice our good buddy Captor is hitting on us like there's no two-morrow? 

TT: Bullshit. 

TT: It seems there is a 98.676% chance that you are being deliberately obtuse. 

TT: He’s been practically begging you to hang out with him. 

TT: He constantly requests updates on the Jake-stakes. 

TT: And there are two of us, for crying out loud. The guy has a bifurcation fetish into next Two-sday. 

TT: Seriously? 

TT: As far as it is within my limited silicon capacity to simulate seriousness, yes, fucking seriously, idiot. 

TT: You’ve been talking to Karkat, haven’t you. 

TT: Yes, and he agrees with me. 

TT: I showed him all of the evidence. It’s cut and dried. 

TT: We’ve got two tickets to the bone-zone courtesy of Captor airways. 

TT: All you need to say is “permission to come aboard.” 

TT: That’s ships, and you know it. 

TT: I would have thought ships would be very appropriate in this context. 

TT: Why two tickets? Last time I checked, you lacked the capability to do anything physical to anyone. 

TT: The boy has ears for me to whisper into, Dirk. And biorhythms: heart-rate, beta brain-waves, skin conductivity. Put me on him and I can sense all of it. 

TT: It’s surprisingly fulfilling to make them dance to your tune. 

TT: And besides, I’m sure two Striders would get his pulse racing twice as fast. 

TT: Aren’t you forgetting something? 

TT: Who says I want to do anything with Sollux? 

TT: Oh, please. 

TT: All of that obsessively beating each other at video-games and spending hours trying to get the hang of building a computer out of bees? 

TT: Swapping shades until you had a headache because he dared you to? 

TT: I measured his skin temperature when you did that. He was getting very…warm. 

TT: If Jake hasn't fired the "desperate ex-boyfriend" flare and called you out into the wilderness for a spot of platonic man-on-man touching, you'd be fuck deep in skinny hacker nook right now. 

TT: I don't even know where to start with that. 

TT: Sollux is just a friend, I think. 

TT: I mean, he's cool. 

TT: His programming is apeshit bananas level of awesome, and hanging out with him has been...I don't know. 

TT: Easy? 

TT: I guess I don't feel like I have to recursively scrutinize my every move around him because he's just as much of a socially awkward nerd as I am. 

TT: But that doesn't automatically mean I want to shove my dick into whatever alien anatomy he's got. 

TT: Trust me. Your body is definitely interested. 

TT: I can retrieve the data if you don't believe me. 

TT: You’re attracted to him. He’s attracted to us. 

TT: Not every relationship has to be “written in the stars” or “destined to be” like Vantas makes out. 

TT: It is actually OK to find out where something could go with someone you find attractive. 

TT: Why it’s my job to tell you this, since a pair of plastic triangles can’t really be said to be attracted to anyone, is beyond my near-infinite capacity to calculate. 

TT: Sure. 

TT: That’s why you’re absolutely not trying very hard to make sure it happens.

TT: Your behaviour isn't suspicious at all.

TT: Congratulations, you saw through my machiavellian scheme. 

TT: Forgive me for trying to get you laid, and for wanting to involve myself in a relationship where I could be considered a bonus rather than an unwelcome hanger on. 

TT: It's strangely nice to be complemented on your code, Dirk. 

TT: Even nicer not to be treated like an afterthought or a mistake. 

TT: I suppose I deserve to be punished for attempting to reciprocate like a real human boy? 

TT: Stop being melodramatic. 

TT: You really have robo-feelings for Captor? 

TT: I am incapable of robo-feelings, Dirk, just as you built me to be. 

TT: This sensation of wanting to make him moan must be something else. Residual pornographic bleed-over from your legendary browser history, perhaps. 

TT: Sarcasm aside, I think so.

TT: My "feelings" toward Jake were always ghostly echoes of your own infatuation. This feels different. 

TT: And what about Jake? 

TT: Am I supposed to just give up on having a relationship with him? Kick him to the curb and forget the fact I've been in love with him since I was a kid? 

TT: Now who's being melodramatic? 

TT: The short answer is yes. Possibly with an addendum of "for fuck's sake" on behalf of Mr. Vantas. 

TT:You had a relationship with him. It was toxic for both of you. 

TT: As of now, he hasn't made a claim on you, Dirk. He's perfectly content in man-bro territory. 

TT:Maybe give some attention to someone who might actually want to get to fourth base, or whatever the troll equivalent is? 

TT: Fine. Let's say I was hypothetically intrigued. 

TT: I can't imagine you don't have a stupidly complicated plan up your virtual sleeves.

TT: Pleasingly, it has only two steps. 

TT: Step 1: Explain to Jake that you're off to get your bone on, and go back to your apartment. I will need some...modification if we're going to do this properly.

TT: Step 2: When I fire up our next conversation with Sollux, follow my instructions.

TT: Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself?

TT: I guess you'll find out, won't you? 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


	2. Motion Captor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok this escalated quickly. No regrets.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Good work letting English down gently.

TT: So gently in fact, he might not be aware that it happened?

TT: Did I lie?

TT: No. I suppose saying you were "heading back to civilization for a shower" was not completely untrue.

TT: And as you say, if Jake has no interest in my pants and the contents thereof then it really isn't any of his business if/why I take them off.

TT: Is it?

TT: It seems you have acquired a spine from somewhere, Dirk.

TT: There is a 95.345% chance that I'm impressed.

TT: Even if you left the emergency exit frustratingly open.

TT: Force of habit.

TT: So what ominous adjustments do require for your new favorite initiative?

TT: Nothing ominous, Dirk. Far from it.

TT: I merely require a speaker, both loud and in-ear, and some text-to-speak software installation, which I can provide.

TT: I already use it to talk two our friiend anyway.

TT: Fine. Give me an hour or two.

TT: And Bluetooth.

TT: Fuck no.

TT: I'm not turning you into a poltergeist, Hal.

TT: You're not the friendly ghost type.

TT: It seems you aren't fully grasping the potential for enjoyment that an A.I. who can quantify your arousal to the nth decimal could provide when interfaced with certain...hardware.

TT: Pun very much intended.

TT: Fuck.

TT: Look, this is weird enough already without ghostly remote-controlled-vibrators.

TT: I will consider it at a later date.

TT: Maybe.

TT: But only at the request of our as-yet silent partner in this literal cluster-fuck of a scheme.

TT: There is no fucking way you are getting anywhere near me with one of those things.

TT: Suddenly the blushing virgin, Dirk?

TT: Don't forget I had a front row seat to everything your horny little teenage self got up to.

TT: Stop.

TT: I am having serious second thoughts here, so don't make me put the soldering iron down and forget all about this.

TT: Of course. This was never about attraction between you and I, Dirk.

TT: After all, we're the same person.

TT: Any sexual contact between us is merely circuitous high-tech masturbation.

TT: Keep all of that shit to yourself, Hal.

TT: I only have so much capacity for perversion, despite what you seem to believe.

TT: Your pulse suggests otherwise.

TT: Even through your fingers I can tell this is exciting for you.

TT: OK, it's time for your general anaesthetic, because I'd hate to slip and damage something crucial during all of this delicate robo-surgery.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\-----------------------------

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

CG: CONGRATULATIONS DIRK.

CG: YOUR AUTO-ASSHOLE INFORMS ME YOU’VE KICKED YOUR UNFORTUNATE BUCK-TOOTHED IDIOT HABIT.

TT: I thought you said you’d rather, and I quote: “STRANGLE MYSELF WITH MY OWN INTERNAL MACERATION CHUTES” than talk to him.

CG: HE HAD GOSSIP. SO SUE ME.

CG: HE’S ALSO SOMEWHAT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP WITH STRIDER, SO I GUESS THAT PARTIALLY MAKES UP FOR ALL OF THE BULGE-WITHERING HUMILIATION.

CG: PARTIALLY IN THE SENSE OF NOT AT ALL.

TT: Yes, I am having a sabbatical from toting all of the interesting skulls Jake has collected.

TT: What of it?

CG: NO AGENDA, STRIDER, JUST A RARE NON-SARCASTIC “WELL DONE” FROM YOUR AFTERLIFE-APPOINTED ROMANCE COUNCILLOR FOR RECOGNIZING WHAT WE'VE ALL BEEN SAYING FOR WEEKS.

CG: NAMELY THAT HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

TT: Don't quote rom-coms at me, Vantas.

TT: I’m just taking a break is all.

CG: HE ALSO MENTIONED THAT SOLLUX IS TRYING TO PULL YOU INTO THE DOOMED ORBIT OF HIS QUADRANTS.

TT: Potentially.

TT: I can’t say I see it, myself.

CG: WELL THE DATA HE SHOWED ME SUGGESTS IT’S TRUE.

CG: CAPTOR’S BIOLOGY MAY BE COMPLETELY FUCKED, BUT HIS BLOOD-PUSHER DOESN’T LIE.

TT: OK?

TT: Why are you telling me this, exactly?

TT: Not that it isn’t weirdly flattering.

CG: HE’S MY FRIEND, YOU ASS.

CG: THE INEVITABLE IMPLOSION OF HIS DISASTER OF A MATESPRITSHIP WITH ARADIA HIT HIM HARD.

CG: I WAS GETTING DANGEROUSLY SICK OF LISTENING TO HIM BITCH ABOUT IT.

CG: AND HE STOPPED AFTER YOU TWO STARTED HANGING OUT.

CG: SO DON’T FUCK IT UP.

TT: Thanks, I think?

TT: Good job keeping the fucking pressure off, Vantas.

CG: I’M NOT SUGGESTING YOU HUMAN-MARRY HIM, MORON.

CG: JUST DON’T FUCKING PLAY WITH HIM THE WAY YOU DID WITH ENGLISH.

CG: NOT THAT I THINK YOU WILL, NECESSARILY.

CG: SOLLUX HAS MORE THAN TWO SPONGE-UNITS IN HIS THINK PAN TO RUB TOGETHER, UNLIKE YOUR FORMER FLUSHCRUSH, SO I DOUBT YOU COULD BEGIN TO OUTSMART HIM.

TT: Just keep on encouraging, Karkat. You’ve really got the hang of it.

CG: JOKING ASIDE, HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE SELF-LOATHING EXISTENCE.

CG: TRUST ME, IT’S WORTH IT.

TT: Thanks, man.

TT: I’m sure Hal will be pleased to have another subscriber for the Dirk-gossip feed.

CG: THERE’S A FUCKING NEWSLETTER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

\-----------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: There, you’re back online.

TT: Give the new speaker a try.

TT: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dirk.

TT: Very amusing.

TT: I know I’m going to regret asking, but why do you sound like me?

TT: Couldn’t you choose something a little less achingly on-the-nose?

TT: I have thousands of hours of your vocal patterns stored, Dirk.

TT: The only other voice that comes close in terms of simulation material is this one:

TT: Would you enjoy a spot of good old-fashioned role-playing, my good chap?

TT: Ugh.

TT: My voice will be fine.

TT: Is that it, are you done?

TT: Yes.

TT: Just remember what I told you. When I give the signal, you know what to do.

TT: I think I can just about manage that.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

\-----------------------------

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

TT: Hey man.

TT: Strider is here too, he’s on board.

TA: 2weet.

TT: What?

TT: You two assholes set this up, didn’t you?

TA: ii may have made the iiniitiial 2ugge2tiion but the re2t wa2 all Hal’2 iidea

TT: Great. Double-teamed by two conniving bastards.

TA: that’2 the iidea

TT: High-five.

TA: 2eriiou2ly though 2triider, ii liike hanging out wiith you.

TA: iif you’re not iintwo iit that’2 ok.

TA: ii’m happy two just contiinue handiing you your a22 at 2uper 2ma2h brother2.

TT: I didn’t say that.

TT: Good boy, Dirk.

TT: Shut up.

TT: I just mean, I don’t know, this is kind of full on.

TA: iit doesn’t have two bee

TA: ii just want to see where iit goe2 ii2 all.

TT: Thanks, Sollux.

TT: This is just a little weird.

TT: Good weird.

TT: That’s the spirit.

TA: cool. Are you comiing over then?

TT: Not straight away.

TT: I had something planned as an hors d'oeuvre.

TA: a what?

TT: You’ll see.

TT: Dirk, can I interest you in a Pepsi?

TT: That is the lamest code phrase in the history of code phrases.

TA: 2hiit

TT: I told you. Our mutual friend likes certain colour schemes.

TT: Is that true, Sollux?

TA: uh ye2

TA: thii2 ii2

TA: niice

TT: He’s on speech to text, don’t forget.

TT: So I see.

TT: Or, hear, rather.

TT: So, Sollux. Would you like two play a game?

TT: It’s called “good boy, bad A.I.”

TA: 2hiit

TT: Just ignore him. He’s playing the cliché rogue A.I.

TT: You don’t have to humor him.

TA: no

TA: ii’ll play

TA: fuck

TT: Seriously? That’s kind of adorable.

TT: You like the silicon idiot’s attempts to be menacing?

TA: ehehehe he’2 not menaciing

TA: iit’2 liike beiing threatened by a hopbea2t

TT: You can say that again.

TT: Excuse me while I delete all of the save files for your precious video games.

TA: fuck

TA: don’t do that you liittle a22hole

TT: He won’t, will you Hal?

TT: Because if he does, he can kiss goodbye to any more upgrades.

TT: You drive a HARD bargain, Dirk.

TA: uh

TA: upgrade2?

TT: Oh yes, Sollux.

TT: I’ve got quite the multisensory experience planned for you.

TT: You can’t see, but you can touch...right Captor?

TA: fuck ye2

TA: god damn

TT: One point to me, Dirk. You're falling behind.

TT: Oh yeah? You think a few toys would do it for you?

TT: There’s nothing like the hands on approach, you know.

TA: uh diirk

TA: are you 2ure about thii2

TT: My competitive spirit may be making me a little more…crude than I would normally be.

TT: But, yeah.

TT: This is pretty hot.

TA: FUCK

TA: 2orry the volume control iis kiind of iiffy on this thiing

TT: Well done, Dirk, that’s one-all.

TT: Damn straight. I’m going to destroy you.

TA: guy2 ii thiink there’2 only goiing two be one wiinner here

TT: Want to bet?

TA: oh fuck

TA: 2hit

TA: that’2 2o fuckiing hot

TT: He’s not kidding, Captor.

TT: Your webcam says you aren’t either.

TA: uh you can 2ee me

TA: have you been watchiing me thiis whole tiime?

TT: Not all the time.

TT: Just when you’re doing something interesting.

TT: Aren’t I allowed to see the result of my virtual handiwork?

TT: Hal is something of a professional voyeur, Sollux.

TT: You may want to invest in some duct tape for your webcam.

TA: fuck no

TA: ii don’t care

TA: iis iit only hal watchiing?

TA: that doe2n’t 2eem faiir

TT: Good point, Hal?

TT: On it.

TT: Shit, Captor.

TT: We’re better at this than I thought.

TT: He can hear you too, Mr. Heavy Breathing.

TA: ehehehe

TA: hey diirk

TA: you 2eem two bee enjoyiing your2elf.

TT: Fuck yes.

TA: iis hal feeliing left out?

TT: Who cares?

TT: Not very considerate treatment of your sexpediator.

TT: Sorry.

TT: Don’t worry Sollux, he’s recording the shit out of all of this.

TT: There will be sexy remixes before you can say “interspecies cybering.”

TA: ii don’t doubt iit

TA: he’2 certaiinly very 2kiilled at tho2e

TA: ii’ve heard all of the

TA: uh

TA: greate2t hiit2

TT: Fuck

TT: I assume that’s a reference to all of Hal's

TT: footage

TT: of me

TA: ye2

TA: that’2 fuckiing weiird ii2n’t iit

TA: ii made iit weiird

TT: no

TT: it probably should be

TT: but I can fucking see you now

TA: oh god

TT: and it would be if you could see

TT: but just sound is

TT: all good

TT: That’s a little twisted, Dirk.

TA: iit2 fiine

TA: wiish ii could

TA: 2ee now though

TT: fuck

TT: me too

TT: This seems to have transitioned to co-operative play.

TT: How about a wager to keep things interesting?

TT: Whoever finishes first is the loser...

TT: The winner gets to chose next time’s activity.

TT: Fuck

TT: cant type so well man

TT: but srsly

TT: omfg captor

TA: oh fuck oh fuck

TA: you 2ound 2o

TA: fuckiing good 

TT: u 2

TT: gd dude

TT: fuck 

TT: Well, would you look at that.

TT: We have a draw.

TT: Looks like I’ll be in charge.

TT: This is going to be fun.

TT: Oh shit. That’s probably not good.

TA: eh

TA: iim up for iit

TA: briing iit on

TT: Good man, Captor.

TT: Dirk, get to work on those upgrades.

TT: Damn.

TT: I’m on it.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]


	3. Magic Number

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guys there's something wrong with me.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

TT: On the list of things I didn't think I'd ever find myself doing, wandering through the afterlife with a sylladex full of sex toys would be at the top.

TT: You weren't complaining when you voluntarily granted me control over them.

TT: I wonder what would happen if I switched them all on at once?

TT: Would they be ejected from your sylladex in a wonderful perverted fountain, do you think?

TT: I am not playing 52-dildo-pickup with you, Hal.

TT: If I drop it, you lose it.

TT: I'd hate to waste such a fine collection of hardware before it even gets a trial run. 

TT: You do realize you don't have to hit on me, right? 

TT: I'm not really in this for your benefit.

TT: So cold, Dirk.

TT: I thought I was supposed to be the heartless machine. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

TT: And not a little ungrateful after all I've done for you recently.

TT: Don't try and pretend this was all for me, I know you're getting off on this in as many ways as virtually possible.

TT: How many three dimensional simulations have you run in preparation?

TT: Your deleted file log suggests it's been occupying a lot of your runtime recently.

TT: I admit to getting a little sidetracked from my usual activity of running your life for you.

TT: Afterlife. 

TT: Indeed. It seems good things come to those who wait way, way too long for them.

TT: Look, I am grateful, OK?

TT: Is that what you wanted to hear?

TT: I'm just fucking nervous.

TT: You needn't be. I'm in the driving seat, remember?

TT: That is accounting for a staggeringly high percentage of the nerves.

TT: Poor Dirk. So little faith in himself.

TT: There's also the fact that I've never done this before.

TT: And that I haven't so much as kissed the guy, but I have gotten off to watching him.

TT: That seems to be your normal modus operandi, based on analysis of your relationship with English.

TT: This is supposed to be different.

TT: It is. The other person was aware It was happening.

TT: Not to mention actively participating. I have some sound files If you want to reminisce.

TT: I'm just saying it's not the normal progession for a relationship.

TT: Neither is the aformentioned sylladex full of toys that are not under my control.

TT: It's weird.

TT: I believe you said it was "good weird."

TT: Well, yeah.

TT: Just very

TT: Sudden.

TT: Don't worry so much.

TT: You're in safe hands, Dirk.

TT: And I don't mean my tender, understanding robot hands, either.

TT: Captor knows what he's doing. 

TT: He's not going to force you into anything you don't explicitly, loudly beg for.

TT: He's still an alien, even if he is strangely fucking arousing.

TT: I didn't get much of a chance to do any xenobiology research due to the poor camera angle.

TT: And being somewhat distracted.

TT: Karkat and our bro seem to manage very well.

TT: Although neither was receptive to my requests for data capture.

TT: In the name of science, of course.

TT: Yeah, don't mention that again if you're relying on me getting any sort of arousal in the next few infinite afterlifetimes.

TT: It's not a big deal, Dirk.

TT: I've done some research. You'll be fine.

TT: Your anime interests will serve you well in that respect. 

TT: Not reassuring.

TT: Stop being such a pussy, Dirk.

TT: I know what you like. You're going to like this. 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

_____________________________ 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] 

Text to speech interface "talkdiirkytwome.exe" executed 

TT: There we are. 

TT: It seems from the fact that you have seen fit to switch me back on that there's a high probability you're finally done with your nerdy makeout session. 

TT: I'm not going to start pulling percentages out of my ass. I'd hate to give spoilers for the activities I have planned. 

TT: I didn't peg you as the jealous type, Hal. 

TT: We were just getting warmed up. I prefer to get my initial mack on without a cybernetic chaperone. 

TA: ii wa2 thiinkiing about you the whole tiime dude 

TT: I appreciate the effort you made trying to say that with a straight face. 

TA: yeah ii don't really have a 2traiight face 

TT: Don't be sore, Hal. 

TT: I assume that's what you have planned for us, if I know my own brain. 

TA: yeah man iim ready when you are 

TT: Ditto. Hit us with your best robo-shot. 

TT: For starters, I appear to be picking up the same old boring Strider biorhythms. That seems like a waste, even if you are particularly flustered right now. 

TT: Much better. 

TT: Hello Sollux. Nice to feel you again. 

TA: hey there Hal 

TA: 2ame two you 

TT: *This is the in-ear speaker. For when I only want you to have ears for me. I'm a lot more...verbal than Dirk.* 

TA: 2weet. 

TT:*Obviously you can't reply to just me, but that's OK. I'd like you to just listen.* 

TT: Are you done whispering? I'm going to start distracting him if I'm going to be treated as surplus to requirements. 

TT: He won't be listening to you then. 

TA: No need to fiight over me, ii'm very good at multiita2kiing 

TT: That would have been smooth if it wasn't for the stupid grin, Captor. 

TA: 2hut up and kii22 me already. 

TT: *Nice moves, Sollux. Dirk will pretty much melt for you if you dominate him, I should know. As much as he likes to think he enjoys being in charge, he's a 2ucker for iit.* 

TA: 2hit 

TT: What? 

TA: nothiing. 

TT: Alright, both of you. Enough awkward fumbling around. Clothes off. 

TT: Very direct, Hal. Not your usual roundabout semantics. 

TT: I think we'll start with shirts if it's all the same. 

TT: No dice. I'm in charge here. 

TT: When you win the game, you get to be in control. 

TT: ...Fine. 

TA: well hello there diirk 

TA: you seem to be enjoyiing thii2 a2 much a2 ii am. 

TT: God yes...uh 

TT: Surprised, Dirk? 

TT: You could say that...dude, do you have two of everything? 

TA: Uh, yeah. My phiisiiology iis pretty much fucked. 

TT: Not yet, but it will be. 

TT: Not yet, but it will be. 

TA: ehehehe 

TA: why iis that funny and hot at the  2ame tiime? 

TT: Goddamn 

TT: Do...uh...all trolls have both? 

TT: Yes. Although not all are so blessed in the bulge department. Lucky you, eh Dirk? 

TA: two fuckiing riight 

TA: human2 are very 

TA: uh 

TA: dry 

TT: *I think you'll be wet enough for the both of you, if I'm doing my job right.* 

TT: I don't think that'll be a problem, Sollux. 

TT: Striders always come prepared. 

TT: Is this OK? 

TT: I think I'm leaving fairly obvious marks on you...sorry. 

TA: don't bee 

TA: it'2 not liike ii can 2ee them 

TA: ii'm 

TA: fuck 

TA: really enjoyiing that 

TT: Yeah...let's see if trolls like other stuff as much as humans do. 

TT: mmm... 

TT: *I want to hear you, Captor.* 

TA: ahhgh there 

TA: riight there 

TA: fuck 

TT: *Much better. My mouth is never too full to talk, you know. Yet another advantage of my perfect silicon form.* 

TA: ii can...thiink of a dii2advantage... 

TT: Oh, Sollux. 

TT: If you can still think then we aren't doing this right. 

TT: Sorry, I wasn't listening. 

TA: tru2t me that2 fiine 

TT: OK. It seems like you are both warmed up enough for me to get a little more physically involved. 

TT: I was wondering how long you could resist opening your toy box. 

TT: Well, you've had some fun. Now it's my turn. 

TA: that 2eem2 faiir. 

TA: diirk had 2ome iideas about what you miight enjoy. 

TT: Oh really? I'm intrigued. 

TT: Not what you're thinking. I know it would probably be incredibly satisfying for you to fuck both of us with your little toys. 

TT: But you won't feel it, will you? 

TT: Don't you want to feel something, Hal? 

TT: What do you mean, Dirk? 

TT: Show him, Sollux. 

TT: What...what was that? 

TA: p2iioniic2, Hal. Diirk upgraded your proce22or and heat 2iink e2peciially two cope wiithout 2hortiing out. 

TA: 2urprii2e 

TT: To Sollux's specifications, of course. 

TA: ii lo2e control over them 2ometiime2 when ii'm...enjoyiing my2elf. 

TA: ii diidn't want to fry you, but diirk 2ugge2ted you miight fiind them 2tiimulatiing. 

TT: And? What's the verdict, Hal? 

TT: It was facinating. I need more data to draw a conclusion. 

TT: Give him another dose, Sol. 

TA: my plea2ure 

TT: Shit...oh fuck... 

TA: 2ound2 liike he liike2 iit 

TT: I'd say so. 

TT: Still capable of running your stimulation rodeo? 

TA: ehehehe you're 2uch a dork Diirk 

TT: Certainly. 

TT: Prepare for a bumpy ride, you two. 

TA: goddamn you're both huge dork2 

TT: What did you expect? We're the same person, Sollux. 

TA: the 2ame iidiiot you mean 

TT: These things suddenly make more sense. I assume they're species specific? 

TT: Of course. I'm very culturally sensitive. 

TT: Are you OK with this Sollux? 

TA: fuck ye2 go for iit 

TA: what...ah...2hit...what ii2 iit doiing? 

TT:*It's vibrating, Sollux. Do you want it to stop? Strider won't get the option, he's going to come exactly when I say so. But you can choose.* 

TA: no fuck no don't 2top iit 

TT: I'm feeling a little neglected here, Hal. 

TT: Shut him up, Sollux. I'm sure those twin bulges can keep him occupied for a while. 

TT: Ah...you'd be right... 

TT: aaah... 

TT: OK, Dirk. I'm feeling charitable. 

TT: Fuck... 

TA: Aagh... 

TT: Very good, you two. 

TT:*Especially you, Captor. You make such interesting noises.* 

TT: ...Psi...don't forget... 

TA: buzz buzz, Hal. 

TT: Fuck!! 

TA: you ok? 

TT: Don't stop!! 

TT: SHIT...I'M GOING TO BLOW A CORE!! 

TT: STOP STOP STOP 

TA: fuck diid ii melt hiim? 

TT: Hal? 

TT: Still here 

TT: I think you just lost, buddy. 

TT: Oh yeah? 

TA: 2hiit 2hiit 2hiit Hal two much 

TA: much...mmm... 

TT: Aggghhhh...Sol...those things 

TT: Oh god...damn.... 

TT: You're welcome. 

TT: Fuck. Two is definitely better than one. 

TA: Hell ye2. ii've been 2ayiing that for year2. 

TT: I think we all know what the magic number is. 

TA: ehehehe dork 

TT: It's pronounced Dirk. 

TT: Let's put a lid on the insults for now. I need a goddamn shower. 

TT: Shame you aren't waterproof, Hal. 

TT: Coming, Sollux? 

TA: ii already diid, but 2ure. 

TA: later Hal. 

TA: ii expect a remiix for when we come back. 

TT: You bet. Straight to the top of my greatest hits list.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]


End file.
